Odd Tangents

Is it sad that I am actually starting to resent weekends? I just realized this as I pulled out my course reader in Starbucks and wished I was instead getting up at 7am to get ready for a long day of work, then class, then gym. I sort of subconsciously mumbled that at least on weekdays I see people and keep busy. Then the revelation, for as much as I glorify the potential of the weekend, in reality I never enjoy it quite as much as the rest. As this thought sunk in my shoulders dropped, my eyebrows arched and the voice in my head spoke like a stoner witnessing an armed robbery, "Wow, that sucks. I think you need to reconsider your options." Then, outwardly, I pulled my computer closer to me and opened a browser knowing it was time to let work out the obvious tension.

It's no surprise to those that are close to me ... and probably those who have spent one minute with me because I am a lot less cool than I like to believe ... that I am not a big partier. Ever since I was little I loved throwing parties but they were of the strictly Disney channel variety.... not exactly the type of gatherings that get throngs of people knocking on your door at college. I was totally in the group of kids in high school that actually played charades and soccer on the weekends. And I totally would have played D&D if I had been introduced earlier - yeah, it was sweet. For all that I understand the desire to get out and let loose with a few hundred strangers, it's never been my scene. But, frankly, it really sucks to not have that socializing to look forward to. I mean, I get invitations to parties all the time but I never seem to make it. And it's not that drinking/drugs are all that people do, let's not be over-dramatic - but it's pretty much guaranteed that they do it collectively. If I drink or whatever I hate that I rely on that to have fun and I get a lot of spectacle with little substance. I just don't like what I am trying to do when I drink to have fun - I don't like putting on an image of myself - I just want to connect to people. Really talk and feel and create. I love to meet people, I love to learn and share views on the world - on life - on philosophy. To work together on creating and developing. I want to live my life and not just wish it away. And all is grand during the week when I get to work towards my goals but then the weekend comes and I find myself peddling away but getting nowhere. I resist my homework because I would rather be with friends adventuring to new places and scheming toward our personal dreams, but I don't have many friends that are interested. I know a lot of amazing people but I seem to have isolated myself like a hermit in a cave. So which is worse, spending the weekend in a constant state of procrastination in denial of the fact that I spend most of my time alone and planning my escape from the college domain OR going to the parties? Both ways are no good for me. Maybe if I did a little more of what it is that I want to do, I wouldn't mind partying so much as a way to unwind every once and a while. Like, if I actually was working hard and living passionately through my personal projects (whether art, writing, or film) and getting active in the community (joining environmental groups, promoting art, social awareness and discussion). I think the light hearted atmosphere would be enjoyable - if not drinking as the goal itself. I need to stop blaming the environment for my choices. I feel like I should stand up and say, "Hello, I am a 21 year old and I am a recovering party pooper!" Ya know, cause I 'm cool like that.

Well, at least I feel a little better - I just need to be more proactive in my life to be more social the way I want. I shouldn't be waiting for the weekend to be over - that's just pathetic. I don't want to be a pathetic person... that would suck.



^ I should be more like them ... work hard, party hard. Growl.

I thought, even though I'm fairly sure no one actually reads my blog, that I would include this part that I cut out - because I can:

In fact, I feel I was able to exercise those fantasies in one fairly short semester. In the Spring of freshman year I started Spring Break by drinking my weight in Vodka and Peppermint Schnapps - two hours later Cass was sitting in the bath tub monitoring my progress as I wondered why it was that the toilet bowl was so soft and echoey. Yeah, I was a class act. At that point, I was pretty cool with drinking as an "in circle" past time - isn't it funny how shaking a drunk person's head causes them to fall to the floor. But then, it became all to easy for me to justify why this would be an acceptable past time. You could do anything! (Except walk straight, talk straight, think straight... but at least I didn't have a fear of telling people every thought that passed through my head ...whether it was reasonable or not... and I seemed to laugh a lot which was a nice feeling.) But then I thought - "Wouldn't it be sweet if I was like this all the time!" and I rather reproachfully replied, with sarcasm dripping from my cerebral tongue, "Yeah! And maybe next time I can get so trashed I won't even remember how I made an ass out of myself! (silence) OR, I could just try and be a little less worried about what other people think and just be happy and honest as a daily practice." Shrugging in unappreciated defeat, "Yeah, that could work, too."